A version of this review first appeared in The Colorado Springs Gazette. To read this review at its original source, click here.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I would use our VHS camcorder to make movies, mocking up our garage like the cockpit of a space shuttle, blowing up model cars and airplanes with leftover Fourth of July fireworks, and having slo-mo (in real time) fistfights on the bluffs behind our house (which usually ended with a G.I. Joe figure repainted to resemble whatever we happened to be wearing that day “falling to his death” down a ravine). Those movies, while fun and entertaining time capsules, are, well, awful. The Green Hornet, with its $120 million budget, should look and feel light years beyond my adolescent productions, and yet, on far too many counts, the film is every bit as ludicrous—witless, charmless, clumsy and appallingly unenjoyable.

When his publishing magnate father (Tom Wilkinson) dies mysteriously, playboy Britt Reid (Seth Rogan) finds his directionless life turned upside down. With the help of his father’s driver/barista, kung-fu expert Kato (Jay Chou), Britt sets out on a new, unlikely career—masked superhero. Patrolling the streets in a car fortified like a tank, the crime fighting duo quickly get the attention of LA’s most nefarious underworld kingpin, Chudnofsky (Christoph Waltz).

The original Green Hornet was a radio show that aired from 1936 to 1952, and then a mid-60’s television program starring Bruce Lee as Kato. Fans of either medium should stay as far away from this cinematic treatment as possible. It’s not that the film doesn’t do their memories justice, it’s that it deliberately, calculatedly and maliciously seeks to destroy any and all fond memories you might retain. Lampooning the material is all this film cares about.

Director Michel Gondry’s ingenious, handmade style is evident in a few transitions and a single flashback sequence, but other than that The Green Hornet is almost unrecognizable as having come from the same, endlessly inventive storehouse of creativity as Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Be Kind, Rewind. Instead, The Green Hornet, as represented here—loud and superficial—is the sort of role you’d expect Vin Diesel to play, assuming, of course, he knew how to be funny.

You’d think that the humorous and admittedly charming Rogan would be up to his usual endearing tricks, but instead, the comedian, who wrote the dreadfully unfunny script and yet still feels the need to improvise his way through every scene, comes off as an exceptionally annoying spoiled brat who never. Ever. Shuts. Up. It is Taiwanese pop-star Chou who, like his sidekick predecessor more than 40 years ago, constantly steals the show from and upstages both Rogan and the character he plays. While the film recognizes this dynamic and wisely turns it into a joke—the two engage in a knock-down-drag-out fight more reminiscent of The Pink Panther’s Inspector Clouseau and his similarly named marital arts wielding Cato—the two men share little to no chemistry beyond the oft repeated jokes implying an embryonic homosexual relationship.

Everything about The Green Hornet—humor, action and plot—seems targeted at young boys. Once upon a time, the kid who made ambitiously awful movies in his Colorado Springs backyard might have enjoyed it. But the adult can only cringe.

© Copyright 2011 Brandon Fibbs. All rights reserved.

Directed by Michel Gondry
Starring: Seth Rogan, Jay Chou, Cameron Diaz, Christoph Waltz, David Harbour, Edward James Olmos, Tom Wilkinson
Rated PG-13 for sequences of violent action, language, sensuality and drug content.
Running Time: 108 minutes