This review first appeared in The Colorado Springs Gazette. To read this review at its original source, click here.

Valentine’s Day, I saw Love Actually, I knew Love Actually, Love Actually was a friend of mine. Valentine’s Day, you’re no Love Actually.

Veteran director (which merely means he should have known better) Garry Marshall, the man behind the camera for Pretty Woman, oversaw this pretzel of intertwining storylines of a group of Los Angelinos that takes place over the course of a single Valentine’s Day. There’s Reed (who works with Alphonso), who’s engaged to Morley but is probably better suited for Julia if it weren’t for the fact that she’s head over heels for Harrison who has a secret she won’t like. There’s Jason who has just started daring Liz (who works for Paula) who has a secret he won’t like. There’s Edison, who has a babysitter named Grace (who is trying to find time to get with Alex), who works for Estelle, who is married to Edgar, who has a secret he won’t like. There’s Kara, who hates valentines, unless they come from Kelvin, but is too preoccupied with Sean who has a secret some people won’t like. Then there’s Kate and Holden who don’t know each other long enough to have secrets either would dislike, and Willy and Felicia who don’t possess the mental acuity to even know what a secret is. Got all that?

Valentine’s Day is a frivolous and saccharine American rip off of the far superior (and no less syrupy) British comedy, Love Actually (even going so far as to nearly duplicate several storylines). But whereas Love Actually gracefully integrated its storylines, blending characters and situations together in a way that, if not totally believable, was, at least, competently executed, Valentine’s Day is the narrative equivalent of a length of string that comes out of your pocket in a nearly impenetrable tangle. And whereas Love Actually had genuine heart, this one is nothing but a sickly sweet piece of chocolate in a similar shape.

If this film is a valentine to anything, it’s the City of Angels. Marshall ensures we catch site of nearly every single landmark in greater Los Angeles. Valentine’s Day is like a movie version of one of those “Map to the Stars’ Homes” you find on virtually any street corner in L.A. It’s the sort of movie that would have you believe someone like Jessica Biel is incapable of finding a date. Only in Hollywood.

Los Angeles is a city of nearly 10 million people, and if this movie is to be believed, they all know each other. What’s being billed as an all-star cast is actually a small army of actors—19 at last count—including, but not limited to, Jessica Alba, Kathy Bates, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Eric Dane, Patrick Dempsey, Hector Elizondo, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Topher Grace, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Queen Latifah, Taylor Lautner, George Lopez, Shirley MacLaine, Emma Roberts, Julia Roberts and Taylor Swift. (See what I did there? I have so little to say about this film that I snuck in a bunch of filler. I’m like a ninja.)

While there are some nice bits, including a clumsily executed if sweet moment with two Shirley MacLaines (no, one of them is not reincarnated), there is not nearly enough here to justify the sequel Warner Bros. has already greenlit. Slick and superficial, Valentine’s Day has all the nutritional value of a package of Sweet Tarts, accompanied by the same sugar crash, cavities and inevitable bad complexion.

© Copyright 2010 Brandon Fibbs. All rights reserved.

Cast: Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Garner, Anne Hathaway, Bradley Cooper
Director: Garry Marshall
Rated PG-13 for some sexual material and brief partial nudity.
Running Time: 125 min.