This review first appeared in The Colorado Springs Gazette. To read this review at its original source, click here.

I once had an editor tell me, “When you review a movie, you should make a strong attempt to put yourself into the head of the most likely target audience,” especially prescient advice when reviewing children’s films. But kids don’t read movie reviews, parents do. And those parents are looking for little more than whether or not the movie is appropriate and if their children will be sufficiently entertained. So on the outset, let me say, Mom and Dad, your kids are probably going to love Monsters vs. Aliens. But I’m afraid I can’t say the same for you. For a 3-D movie, Monsters vs. Aliens is appallingly one-dimensional.

They say you should always plan on something big going wrong on your wedding day. But the last thing Susan Murphy (Reese Witherspoon) expected to happen on the happiest day of her life was being hit by a radioactive meteorite. Nor did she expect to suddenly grow to be 50 feet tall. It’s also a pretty good bet she never anticipated being captured by the military, labeled “Ginormica” and thrown in a top-secret prison reserved for monsters, run by the aptly named General W.R. Monger (Kiefer Sutherland). There she meets other captured monsters: the brilliant Dr. Cockroach, Ph.D. (Hugh Laurie), half man, half bug; The Missing Link (Will Arnett), an ungainly humanoid/amphibian hybrid; B.O.B. (Seth Rogen), a gelatinous blob; and the 350-foot grub Insectosaurus.

Just as Susan begins to accept the fact that she will spend the rest of her life in a cell, a mysterious alien robot lands on Earth and begins ravaging the planet. Operating under the judicious philosophy that the enemy of my enemy is my friend, the incompetent President of the United States (Stephen Colbert) orders General Monger to release the monsters from their cells and sic them on the alien invaders.

Monsters vs. Aliens is lame in all three dimensions. The 3-D effects are all this underachieving film has going for it. While gimmicks are expected and even encouraged in a production like this, they should not be expected to carry the film. Though Monsters vs. Aliens — especially its action-packed finale — is sure to delight children (it looks impressive in both 2-D and 3-D), it fails spectacularly for anyone past elementary school age. Normally such criticism would be hollow — after all, the film is intended for children. However, in trying to also appeal to adults, Monsters vs. Aliens opens itself up to censure. The kids are given endless sight gags but very few jokes by way of the script; the dialogue is reserved almost exclusively for the adults. However, one joke after another, aimed straight for the most obvious and therefore tedious targets, arrives stillborn, dumb and weirdly unfunny. Even the superb voice cast cannot rescue this comatose script.

While it’s fun seeing some of the legendary sci-fi creepies of the ‘50s — the 50 Foot Woman, the Fly, the Creature From the Black Lagoon, the Blob and Mothra — brought to life as animated characters, parody can quickly go awry when the thing being parodied is already outrageous enough. Monsters vs. Aliens may be pushing the technological envelope with its amazing 3-D effects, but its originality ends there. Nearly 15 years after Pixar debuted Toy Story, we have yet to see any studio step up to the plate and offer anything remotely close to a serious challenge.

But hey, your kids will like it and that’s all the matters, right?

© Copyright 2009 Brandon Fibbs. All rights reserved.