This review first appeared in The Colorado Springs Gazette. To read this review at its original source, click here.

Have you ever strolled into a modern art exhibit and found yourself standing in front of some paint splattered canvas, muttering under your breath, “Heck, I could do that!” You may have the same reaction to Disney’s shameless resurrection of their time-honored (though hardly sacred) Witch Mountain franchise, a film so incompetently directed and poorly written that it insults kids’ intelligence, much less the adults who brought them.

AnnaSophia Robb and Alexander Ludwig are Sara and Seth, two Aryan alien children who crash land on Earth in an effort to recover a piece of evidence that will save their dying homeworld (they’ve polluted their planet to the point of inhabitability, don’t you know) and exonerate their embattled scientist parents. It’s a task that would be a whole lot easier if they weren’t being chased by an extraterrestrial bounty hunter and a cabal of U.S. government spooks (led by Ciarán Hinds) intent on dissecting them.

Their only help is Jack Bruno (Dwayne Johnson — don’t even think of calling him “The Rock” anymore), a convict-turned-cabbie, and a beleaguered UFO specialist (Carla Gugino) named Alex. Oh, and a dog too — it is a Disney movie after all. As the group races from Las Vegas to the Nevada desert (and back again…and back yet again), the government, gangsters and one very persistent bounty hunter converge to prevent them from reaching the fabled Witch Mountain and their waiting spacecraft. Little do they know that if the children fail to get off the planet, it almost certainly means an alien invasion of Earth.

Director Andy Fickman directs Race to Witch Mountain with all the sophistication and elegance of a sledgehammer. His incoherent action scenes (the film was co-written by Mark Bomback of Live Free or Die Hard fame, who obviously believed this film should be similarly paced) work kinetically though hardly intelligently. While there are some nice touches (such as setting some of the action in a Sci-Fi convention populated with weirdly-costumed participants), overall there’s not a creative or original frame to be found anywhere.

Admittedly, I sometimes feel that they shouldn’t let adults review kid’s movies. It can be difficult to see past your own adulthood when viewing a family film. Most critics would agree that kid’s movies shouldn’t be held to the same high standards as more mature fare. In this case, a reasonable amount of simplicity is something to be desired. And yet, we adults can still tell when a kid’s movie knocks one out of the park, can’t we? Surely we can still remember the tingle of wonderment and magic a good kid’s movie imparts.

The sad truth is, good children’s films have all but disappeared. When I was growing up, movies like The Goonies and The Explorers fired my imagination and created worlds of excitement and adventure in which children had it within themselves to conquer pirates and outer space all in the span of two hours. And why do we need The Rock…er…Dwayne Johnson in the first place? Does the presence of an adult somehow legitimize the narrative? What’s wrong, preposterous as it may be, with letting kids be the true champions, unaided by adult supervision? That’s why they call it fantasy, no?

Unfortunately, there is almost nothing like those films being crafted today. In fact, Race to Witch Mountain is the sort of movie that makes you question your memory and wonder if even your most beloved childhood movies were terrible all along and you simply weren’t mature enough to recognize it. And that’s when you see something like Coraline or WALL-E (or anything by Pixar, frankly) and it snaps things right back into perspective.

Kids deserve far better than this dreck, whether they comprehend the difference between a truly great children’s film or not.

© Copyright 2009 Brandon Fibbs. All rights reserved.