Being a film critic means you have to sit through far more bad films than you do good ones. Somebody has to bravely sacrifice himself in order to save others. Still, I’m not ashamed to say that I’m a glass half full sorta guy. Although I know it is a foregone impossibility, I try to approach every film with the attitude that it is going to be a winner and I am going to be wildly, even blissfully entertained. But as optimistic as I try to be, there are some films that you know are going to be a complete waste of time. Oddly enough, these films frequently feature Adam Sandler and his unrepentantly evil sidekick, Rob Schneider.

In You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, Sandler plays an Israeli commando of such stunning, supernatural prowess that he makes Jason Bourne look like a sissy. But the lethal weapon harbors a secret dream — he desperately wants to quit the army and become a hairstylist. His pornography is old Paul Mitchell stylebooks from the 1980s. During a confrontation with his arch nemesis, the Palestinian terrorist Phantom (John Turturro), Zohan fakes his own death and stows away on a plane to New York City where he assumes the Paul Mitchell salon will welcome him with open arms.

Needless to say, things don’t exactly work out as planned. Soon Zohan finds himself sweeping up hair in a two-bit salon run by the beautiful Dalia (Emmanuelle Chriqui), a Palestinian immigrant. When Zohan is finally given the chance to prove himself to his highly skeptical boss, his extremely unorthodox methods make him a hit with Manhattan’s women. Soon clients are lining up around the block for a shampoo, a cut and Zohan’s “special perks” (wink wink, nudge nudge). But when the Phantom and his cohorts discover that Zohan is alive and well in America, they make plans to cut the former commando’s life sort.

Directed by Dennis Dugan (who previously helmed the appalling I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry), You Don’t Mess With the Zohan was conceived and written by Judd Apatow (The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up), Robert Smigel (Triumph the Insult Comic Dog) and Adam Sandler. Don’t assume that just because Apatow is involved that comic gold lies at the end of this cinematic rainbow. Zohan is, by turns, silly, clichéd and tactless. It is an uneven mix of childish potty humor and raunchy, in-your-face sexuality. Depending on the critic, no doubt Sandler and Co. might like to shift the focus from their lack of taste to their film’s humanistic message — that Israelis and Palestinians can live together in peace. However, rather than confront racial, cultural, and national stereotypes, the film embraces them with open arms.

The film is bizarrely pro-Israel. Americans are certainly used to films that explore the Jewish diaspora in America. Woody Allen made a successful career out of it in the 70s. With Zohan, however, the Jewish trio of writers create what is far more an immigrant’s tale, filtered through the reductionary stereotypes so many find insensitive. Jewish artists have always had a masterful grasp of the self-deprecating, an ability to laugh at themselves that the rest of the world could really learn a lot from. Zohan is full of the sorts of Israeli-American in-jokes that will go over well in New York and Florida but will probably be greeted with puzzled silence in the heartland.

In the most bizarre turn of all, the end of the film resembles the Spike Lee joint Do the Right Thing, about escalating racial tensions in a New York City neighborhood. Even John Turturro, one of the stars of Lee’s seminal film (back when he was a dramatic actor rather than an over-the-top circus clown), shows up to reinforce the idea. This being a comedy, however, the conclusion of the film utterly loses touch even with the farcical reality it previously established.

You Don’t Mess With the Zohan contains an important, if simplified, argument that is totally lost beneath a dozen hummus jokes too many.

© Copyright 2008 Brandon Fibbs. All rights reserved.