Fool’s Gold is the cinematic equivalent of going to the Caribbean for vacation. You won’t be visiting any great museums, taking in any palaces, marveling at any opulent cathedrals or doing much of anything to stretch your intellect. But you will come back with a nice tan.

Fool’s Gold reunites Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson, last seen together in 2003’s How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Ben “Finn” Finnegan (McConaughey) is a treasure hunter obsessed with finding The Queen’s Dowry, a legendary treasure lost at sea hundreds of years ago. However, in pursuit of his life’s quest, the single-minded Finn ignored the greatest treasure of all, his loving wife, Tess (Hudson). Now divorced and broke, Finn thinks he has finally located the fabled booty.

Dialing up his roughish charm, Finn sweet talks his way onto the yacht of multi-billionaire Nigel Honeycutt (Donald Sutherland) and his pampered, heiress daughter Gemma (Alexis Dziena). It just so happens that the yacht is where Tess has begun a new job and with it, hopes to start a new life. Soon the adventurer has them all eating out of the palm of his hand — all but Tess, that is — as he weaves his tale about Spanish gold. Bedeviled by a competitor with a chip on his shoulder (Ray Winstone) and a greedy gangster/rapper (Kevin Hart), the bewildered Tess must determine whether she is back on another of Finn’s wild goose chases or still in love with a man poised to make one of the greatest discoveries of all time.

Nothing more than a staring vehicle for McConaughey’s bronzed chest, the calypso-infused Fool’s Gold is surprisingly listless, languidly paced and gargantuanly over-written. As far as adventure movies go, it makes National Treasure look like Indiana Jones.

Where oh where has Matthew McConaughey gone? For all his “Sexiest Man Alive” accolades (and I have it on very good authority they are deserved), McConaughey is not just a pretty face. When I sit down to watch A Time To Kill or Contact, I am reminded that McConaughey has the chops for drama, but seems satisfied to peddle his acting wares to the lowest comedic bidder. He seems capable of only two kinds of films these days — the sub par romantic comedy (Failure to Launch) or the sub par adventure saga (Sahara). Let us hope that the news that he is soon to be a father will inspire the golden-maned thespian to take a good, hard, responsible look at his resume. And fire his agent.

Oddly enough, despite their history together, McConaughey and Hudson have very little on-screen chemistry. In fact, of all the cast members, Dzeina alone shines as the dimwitted debutant. Keep a close eye out for “The Cosby Show’s” Malcolm-Jamal Warner. Oh, and whomever’s idea it was to have Donald Sutherland, an otherwise fine actor, speak in a ghastly British accent for the entire film should be thrown over board and keelhauled.

Fool’s Gold is a soggy, unsalvageable shipwreck. Take your cue from the film’s title. Not everything that glitters is gold.

© Copyright 2008 Brandon Fibbs. All rights reserved.